Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Goodbye July...again only 11 years later.
I swear, July is the chosen month that has been notorious for teaching me lessons. Big July this year!!
So, in it's final hours (okay, one more day...), I can say it is ending well and I can truthfully express that I am glad July is what it was. It's not many months where I am given the opportunity to experience a thread of emotions like this month; excitement, fear, anxiety, attraction, confusion, rejection, sadness, hopeful, motivated, and ending again with excitement, but different. Instead of the early days of July, which were excitement mixed with fear, my end of July- I feel excitement mixed with love and acceptance. The best part of change is that there is no criteria you have to meet (other than being open)in order to feel it's immediate effectiveness; as I would not had expected to arrive where I am at emotionally and spiritually, if I truly assessed myself at the beginning of the month.
I realize that I am a work in progress--broken, but beginning to heal. I know that healing is best when you go within and no matter how painful your inner truth is (because you need to tell on yourself), it is necessary to face--in order to become whole.
I took a chance early in the month. Call it foolish now or looking fear in the face, I was not equipped to understand what I would actually be facing. I did not embrace fear, I hid from it; drinking and hesitating everything I am, down to my core. At the time, it was about acceptance, but how can I seek acceptance when I could not even accept who I am? You think you know who you are (or who you are to un-be), until you face something, or someone in my case, and realize--you don't know who you are and to just 'feel' with your heart is not enough. I learned this lesson 11 years earlier....and well, hopefully it sets differently with me now.
Today, I am glad that the version of who I was at the beginning of this month DID face rejection because I may not have had enough of a challenge to seek healing or wholeness if I were to be connected to someone who is also hurt and not whole. Do not offer yourself if you are not whole. I've been known to seek out connections with people that NEED me or need HELP, in order to avoid facing my own inner improvements. No longer....
My lesson is not about love for someone else; my lesson is about loving myself more and for whatever reasons drove me to see it--I am open and forgive and take the actions as a blessing because I may not have arrived to this place. Thank you July for all that you have opened my eyes and my heart to.
So, in it's final hours (okay, one more day...), I can say it is ending well and I can truthfully express that I am glad July is what it was. It's not many months where I am given the opportunity to experience a thread of emotions like this month; excitement, fear, anxiety, attraction, confusion, rejection, sadness, hopeful, motivated, and ending again with excitement, but different. Instead of the early days of July, which were excitement mixed with fear, my end of July- I feel excitement mixed with love and acceptance. The best part of change is that there is no criteria you have to meet (other than being open)in order to feel it's immediate effectiveness; as I would not had expected to arrive where I am at emotionally and spiritually, if I truly assessed myself at the beginning of the month.
I realize that I am a work in progress--broken, but beginning to heal. I know that healing is best when you go within and no matter how painful your inner truth is (because you need to tell on yourself), it is necessary to face--in order to become whole.
I took a chance early in the month. Call it foolish now or looking fear in the face, I was not equipped to understand what I would actually be facing. I did not embrace fear, I hid from it; drinking and hesitating everything I am, down to my core. At the time, it was about acceptance, but how can I seek acceptance when I could not even accept who I am? You think you know who you are (or who you are to un-be), until you face something, or someone in my case, and realize--you don't know who you are and to just 'feel' with your heart is not enough. I learned this lesson 11 years earlier....and well, hopefully it sets differently with me now.
Today, I am glad that the version of who I was at the beginning of this month DID face rejection because I may not have had enough of a challenge to seek healing or wholeness if I were to be connected to someone who is also hurt and not whole. Do not offer yourself if you are not whole. I've been known to seek out connections with people that NEED me or need HELP, in order to avoid facing my own inner improvements. No longer....
My lesson is not about love for someone else; my lesson is about loving myself more and for whatever reasons drove me to see it--I am open and forgive and take the actions as a blessing because I may not have arrived to this place. Thank you July for all that you have opened my eyes and my heart to.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Soul Ties
I believe in them. I also believe in Soul Thai's *giggle*
This week I am reminded that we have more than one soul connection--well, of course I knew that, but I suppose what I want to write is 'soul mate' and well, I am not healed enough to admit this yet.
None the less, the topic is soul ties and mine came in the form of sisterhood--full force. Who knew that my co-worker, my new friend, was actually a Reiki Master? Just when I was at the end of my rope last week, my mom told me to seek a guide that lived closer to me; my thoughts hesitated, but my soul did not! She is such a gift and has already given me so many tools to explore myself and begin to heal.
I also was very much in touch with my Virgo twin this week! We supported each other so much, you would have thought we were attorneys with the legal jargon we were exchanging. It was so good to reconnect with her!
Today, I went to visit 'the' Soul Sister--she knows who she is, if she is reading this. What a tremendous replenishing of positive energy! I know with her 'bun in the oven' she is feeling not quite herself these days, but I think she is perfect. It was just what the Uni-Verse order up this week and I was certainly hungry.
As for my bff, we remain in contact, although, I missed her voice this week! We should of stayed in the Bay Area when life was perfect and we could read each other's minds.
I feel pretty well tied now.
This week I am reminded that we have more than one soul connection--well, of course I knew that, but I suppose what I want to write is 'soul mate' and well, I am not healed enough to admit this yet.
None the less, the topic is soul ties and mine came in the form of sisterhood--full force. Who knew that my co-worker, my new friend, was actually a Reiki Master? Just when I was at the end of my rope last week, my mom told me to seek a guide that lived closer to me; my thoughts hesitated, but my soul did not! She is such a gift and has already given me so many tools to explore myself and begin to heal.
I also was very much in touch with my Virgo twin this week! We supported each other so much, you would have thought we were attorneys with the legal jargon we were exchanging. It was so good to reconnect with her!
Today, I went to visit 'the' Soul Sister--she knows who she is, if she is reading this. What a tremendous replenishing of positive energy! I know with her 'bun in the oven' she is feeling not quite herself these days, but I think she is perfect. It was just what the Uni-Verse order up this week and I was certainly hungry.
As for my bff, we remain in contact, although, I missed her voice this week! We should of stayed in the Bay Area when life was perfect and we could read each other's minds.
I feel pretty well tied now.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Free to Love: An Emotional Healing Workshop - THE CHOPRA CENTER FOR WELL...
And I don't have to travel to India and join an Ashram? Blessed that someone in my life told me about the Chopra Center only 30 minutes away from me. Will I go? Now that's the real question. I ordered the book off Amazon today and am addicted to Hot Yoga and I think this is all I can handle at the moment. There is a workshop in November 2011. Hmmmm.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Human Experience
Indulging in my 'dessert' aka. corpse pose, I was melded with the earth as my entire body lie there limp and washed over with my own sweat. My eyelids were heavy and closed, while I surrendered to the calm of my breath. Our guide softly chanted that we are not our bodies, we are not our minds....we are not humans participating in a spiritual experience, but we are spiritual beings participating in a human experience. At that moment, I was able to let go of my body and my mind and know that all of the emotions that I have been expressing and feeling lately--are only human. To have separated the soul from the body and mind I am incased in, I felt more release of the pain and suffering I have chosen to hold on to. I have fully experienced my past moments that have been intended for me and now I will continue to move on; to know I have new 'human' experiences awaiting me, as long as I remain open.
Rest In Peace
It definitely feels like the almighty power from above is NOT lookin out for me, but you know, I am letting go of controlling my need of explanation for anything. Answers arrive in many ways and I need to be courageous enough to listen for the truth--even if it is by means of SILENCE. No answer IS an answer so, I will no longer seek it out and think that knowing any more will make my life easier. I'm not looking for easy anyways.
Back in the saddle today and now that I have said my peace, I have a huge weight lifted off me and I feel like no matter how vulnerable it felt to act it out, it's done now! What a relief!
I love it when it feels like a new day in the middle of a day! Now gonna go get hot with my favorite past time.
Back in the saddle today and now that I have said my peace, I have a huge weight lifted off me and I feel like no matter how vulnerable it felt to act it out, it's done now! What a relief!
I love it when it feels like a new day in the middle of a day! Now gonna go get hot with my favorite past time.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Growing...a face plant
A crane, stork, phoenix, swallow, the Chinese huang have been receiving much attention from me lately, as I am seeking out the symbolism of a bird that can best represent the flight I am taking right now. I want to express the time in my life as being bold and fleeting because as I have only been 'getting through life,' I want to live life and each moment feel free, as if I am taking flight and seeking out what is mine.
So, to the plant, or the 'face plant' rather. I face planted on more than one occasion today (both literal and figurative). Obsessed with Bikram Yoga and tried Vinyasa today. Since I have done Yoga in the past, but not at a studio, the basic poses are no new thing to me, however, the more advanced balances/poses have me so hype, I'm willing to look ridiculous in order to accelerate to perfection. How does a face plant and the talk of birds come to play? Well, the pose I face planted on today was the 'crane' or Bakasana. I blame it on the dripping sweat, not balance (just kidding...both?).
Falling in love is such a beautiful experience.
Friday, July 22, 2011
In A Bind
As I had melted down into the most comfortable contortion, I allowed my limbs to become vines and then, a strange thing happened; I had intertwined with myself. It was more than just a pose, I had really created a oneness with myself, at a point and time I had no expectations nor anticipation that I would be seeking myself vs. someone else.
Right now, I am accepting grace over tragedy--thanks to The Daily Love.
Not loving myself has been a real eye opener during this period of exploration. I've only scratched the surface and am being revealed new steps in the right direction each day. In order to see...I close my eyes and when I awake, I know a new positive light will illuminate my path and I am embracing this journey.
Yah for hot effin Yoga! ps. not a big BT fan these days, but this song played during my sesh and I was brought back a few several years.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
What a Difference a Day Makes
Everything I need is actually inside of me. Aside from the support I have from my amazing friends and family. The decision to just 'make a decision' and know that I can pursue several directions until the right path is obvious, is one of the most empowering things I have done in the last couple of months. *back patting*
There is opportunity in every corner, so as long as we are willing to take that leap...the net will appear! No, not my words, but this quote really moved me and you know what? It takes the hyper guess work out of direction. I used to say it was best to not define yourself because then you have the ability to do what you wish without guilt or commitment to a certain version of yourself. I think this applies still. I'm certainly glad that pieces of myself are emerging daily (again). What a difference!
There is opportunity in every corner, so as long as we are willing to take that leap...the net will appear! No, not my words, but this quote really moved me and you know what? It takes the hyper guess work out of direction. I used to say it was best to not define yourself because then you have the ability to do what you wish without guilt or commitment to a certain version of yourself. I think this applies still. I'm certainly glad that pieces of myself are emerging daily (again). What a difference!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Huntington Library, Gallery and Botanical Gardens
The exploring of a new place alone allows for ability to revel in your own favorite moments without explaining why to anyone. Meandering through history and beauty, I was most drawn to two things: light and seeing stones. I'm convinced this fixture of lighting below, would bring me much satisfaction if I could replicate it in my own home one day. In addition to the fluidity of the lights, the Japanese gardens revealed not bonsais or zen gardens to me, but seeing stones. My hands were in a happy place when gliding over each smooth surface of the stones in the Japanese gardens. What a beautiful moment of solitude that awakened my senses.
Lightbulb!
I had a lightbulb moment. Okay well, with the help of my brother I was able to see the light, which led to a lightbulb moment? I've craved change, big change for so long and now it sits in my lap ready for action (lights, camera and action!). I nearly had a breakdown this week and left my 'place' as soon as I dropped my baby girls off with their dad. I literally thought I was Sarah Jessica Parker in a chick flick, the one where she stops breathing and had to get out of the library hallway before Big arrived? Rough stuff. For the sake of privacy and knowing that the circumstances do not matter, just know that I kept breathing and made it to Pasadena alive...and breathing. It's funny how my brother has become that major support person that most would find to be a 'girlfriend,' but the coolest part is all of the male insight. It's more comforting than I imagined and we can get all Virgoish and philosophical (I believe there is a song out there like this, right mom?). These are crazy times and I'm ready.
Photo taken by yours truly at The Huntington Gardens
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
All Endings are also Beginnings
And so it is. Lately, each night is an absolute ending and the rising sun is a new beginning. Not that I mind the motto of 'day to day,' but my days lack obvious movement towards a real direction. Other than growing 'upward' I feel the effects of mud that can also weigh me down, but those are my self sabotaging thoughts that eventually, I intend to get a handle on. With all of the small changes that are in fact occurring, no matter the joy or pain associated, I am blessed to 'feel' emotion. Those that cannot will never know love and THAT is what is worth all the work towards self preservation.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Shrinky Dinks
Sure, they are plastic and artificial, but to watch the transformation from thin, large pieces 'shrink' down to hard, small pieces by the simple addition of heat; makes me easily translate this reaction to real life.
The Departure
My roots will continue to twist and extend during my growth. On the same note, there is a certain amount of untangling that will occur and will be embraced.
The departure of being 'a life spectator' is something that will foster the emergence of becoming 'a life-participator.' Participation obviously exists in my life, but not on the level where it is exclusive to my growth. Tending to seeds and observing them sprout, while providing love and direction is not new to me, especially as a mother. However, as I tend to my garden, I have discovered that I need nourishment too in order to provide the best environment for my daughters AND myself to thrive.
So, as each day I am blessed to wake up (Good Morning Sunshine!) and be alive, I will participate in activity that feeds my soul.
Yesterday was my first experience 'participating' and so, I did not think too much, rather just acted and found myself on a stand up paddle board, in the ocean, with my daughters 'spectating.' It was more than just the ride, as it was my first glide. Water is good for the soul.
The departure of being 'a life spectator' is something that will foster the emergence of becoming 'a life-participator.' Participation obviously exists in my life, but not on the level where it is exclusive to my growth. Tending to seeds and observing them sprout, while providing love and direction is not new to me, especially as a mother. However, as I tend to my garden, I have discovered that I need nourishment too in order to provide the best environment for my daughters AND myself to thrive.
So, as each day I am blessed to wake up (Good Morning Sunshine!) and be alive, I will participate in activity that feeds my soul.
Yesterday was my first experience 'participating' and so, I did not think too much, rather just acted and found myself on a stand up paddle board, in the ocean, with my daughters 'spectating.' It was more than just the ride, as it was my first glide. Water is good for the soul.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Kamala Girl
Initially, the natural tendency would be to express life through quotes:
"Life is a journey, not a destination."
"It's not about how hard you fall, but how fast you get up."
You get the idea. Ringing true, there is always a twist that you and I can inject with our own "game of life." This is my game and how I plan to travel outward from the depths of my roots to tips of what I embody. I accept that I need to heal, and hope to emerge and radiate the purity of love residing in my heart, compassion towards others and the overall strength that has been hidden away; this is my journey.
There is much water to be consumed initially, as I am wilted, but look forward to reviving my fibers for not only myself, but for those waiting to see who I truly am.
"Life is a journey, not a destination."
"It's not about how hard you fall, but how fast you get up."
You get the idea. Ringing true, there is always a twist that you and I can inject with our own "game of life." This is my game and how I plan to travel outward from the depths of my roots to tips of what I embody. I accept that I need to heal, and hope to emerge and radiate the purity of love residing in my heart, compassion towards others and the overall strength that has been hidden away; this is my journey.
There is much water to be consumed initially, as I am wilted, but look forward to reviving my fibers for not only myself, but for those waiting to see who I truly am.
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