Goodbye July...again only 11 years later.

I swear, July is the chosen month that has been notorious for teaching me lessons.  Big July this year!!

So, in it's final hours (okay, one more day...), I can say it is ending well and I can truthfully express that I am glad July is what it was.  It's not many months where I am given the opportunity to experience a thread of emotions like this month; excitement, fear, anxiety, attraction, confusion, rejection, sadness, hopeful, motivated, and ending again with excitement, but different.  Instead of the early days of July, which were excitement mixed with fear, my end of July- I feel excitement mixed with love and acceptance.  The best part of change is that there is no criteria you have to meet (other than being open)in order to feel it's immediate effectiveness; as I would not had expected to arrive where I am at emotionally and spiritually, if I truly assessed myself at the beginning of the month.

I realize that I am a work in progress--broken, but beginning to heal.  I know that healing is best when you go within and no matter how painful your inner truth is (because you need to tell on yourself), it is necessary to face--in order to become whole.

I took a chance early in the month.  Call it foolish now or looking fear in the face, I was not equipped to understand what I would actually be facing.  I did not embrace fear, I hid from it; drinking and hesitating everything I am, down to my core.  At the time, it was about acceptance, but how can I seek acceptance when I could not even accept who I am?  You think you know who you are (or who you are to un-be), until you face something, or someone in my case, and realize--you don't know who you are and to just 'feel' with your heart is not enough.  I learned this lesson 11 years earlier....and well, hopefully it sets differently with me now.

Today, I am glad that the version of who I was at the beginning of this month DID face rejection because I may not have had enough of a challenge to seek healing or wholeness if I were to be connected to someone who is also hurt and not whole.  Do not offer yourself if you are not whole.  I've been known to seek out connections with people that NEED me or need HELP, in order to avoid facing my own inner improvements.  No longer....

My lesson is not about love for someone else; my lesson is about loving myself more and for whatever reasons drove me to see it--I am open and forgive and take the actions as a blessing because I may not have arrived to this place.  Thank you July for all that you have opened my eyes and my heart to.